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I Love Predictable.

Although I love summer, for all its delicious foods and more delicious memories, I also love routine.  I’m all about knowing what’s coming next.  I worship my Day Planner so much that I’ve already ordered next year’s book (in a lovely shade of maroon with a silver embossed monogram — woot!  woot!).

Oh, and I’m Color Coding next year’s book.  Blue pen for Big Brother activities.  Red pen for Little Brother.  And,  I can’t wait for it to arrive in the mail so I can sit down and get to work.

I’m a loser.

So, Big Brother started Kindergarten last week, without much fanfare on the Swooper blog.  Mostly because I recognize that all the emotion I felt during this little rite of passage was pretty much exactly what all the other Moms (and Dads) experience.  Excited, a little sad, nervous, hopeful, proud.   And, as someone who reads a lot of Mommy Blogs, I felt it had pretty much all been said.  And said eloquently.

My Dad told me that my Mom cried when I got on the bus for the first time.  Which, I admit, made me feel really glad that I live in a town too small for school buses (“busses” always looks wrong).   Because I made it through the whole day without shedding a tear and if I had to see my little first-born climb aboard a great, big bus and drive away, his little face peering out the window at me…well, let’s just say I’m glad I didn’t have to go through that.

Big Brother did discover a new friend this week.  And, no, not a fellow kindergartener.  Big Brother has recently discovered that Lazy Labrador kind of rocks.  BB has been showering LL with attention, games of chase and kisses.  And, lo and behold, it turns out the dog’s got a little spunk!   Bernie happily pounces along behind as BB races through the house giggling wildly.  I suspect there are some table scraps and “mistakenly” dropped Honeycomb coming into play here but I’ll take it.  These two have spent five years living together and are really only now discovering that they might enjoy each other.  It makes me smile.

THEN

NOW

I’ve been asked to serve on the PTO at Big Brother’s school (which, apparently, is Marblehead-ese for what I always knew as the PTA).  I’m looking forward to it.

In small part, because I’m happy to be involved with any efforts designed to enrich the quality of Big Brother’s education.

In large part, because it means a boatload of meetings I get to add to my rockin’ Day Planner.  Yippee!

I’m thinking Color Code Green.

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A long time ago I did a post in which I mentioned about how I really have to try to remind myself that it’s the thoughts that counts when people give my children gifts like a five million piece puzzle.  Or swords.   Or fistfuls of marbles.  Or absolutely, positively anything with sand.  Because what I really want to say to my dear friend when my delighted child opens his gift is:

What have I done to deserve this?  Do you hate me, woman?   You must hate me.

Because it’s only a matter of time before I head downstairs to our playroom and discover that this:

Has become this:

Thanks.

So much.


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I decided to take advantage of the weekend (and a visit from my mother-in-law) and escape for an hour or so to run the actual course of next week’s 5K (my first).

Beautiful weather. 70 degrees. Light breeze.

Parked the car at the course start. Pulled out my iPhone with recently downloaded motivational running songs. Plugged in.

Hit Play. Song One.

Ok, let’s go.

Woot!  Woot!  Yay, me.

Begin run. 10 – 12 seconds later.

Song One inexplicably skips to Song Two.

Huh?

Glance down at phone.  Continue run.

Hm.  That was weird.

Song Two skips to Song Three.   Then, Song Three skips to Song Four.

What?!  Is this thing on shuffle?

Stop running. Glare at phone waiting for next skip.

Song Four happily continues to play.  And, play more.  No apparent sign of weird shuffle function.

Hm.

Everything normal.   Start to run again.

A few seconds.  Song Four skips to Song Five.

Ugh!  WTF?

So irritating. Stop running.

On plays Song Five.   No skip.

Run again.  And, of course…suddenly Song Six.  Stupid.  Stop again.

Screw it.

I give up on the songs I downloaded specifically for this run and switch to Pandora where I take my chances with the old stand-by “Similar to Salt-n-Pepa” Channel.

‘Cause Kriss Kross’ll make me.  Jump.  Jump.  Daddy Mac’ll make me…Jump.

Wait.  Where was I?

So, whatever.  I made it.  Totally hating my iPhone for 3 miles.  Mad that it failed me in my critical time of need.

When I got home I decided to spend some time digging around in my phone settings.

You probably knew I’d find this.    Didn’t you?

Shake to shuffle.  On.

Who the hell knew about Shake to Shuffle?  And it’s a default setting?

Yeah.  Not that great for a run.

I’m an idiot.

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The Man Song.

Holy cow.

This might just be my very.  favorite.  video.   ever.

Happy Weekend!

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Things I Wish I Said.

I borrowed (ok, stole) this idea from Carolyn at Carolyn Online, one of my very favorite bloggers.  Her list was fabulously passive aggressive, snarky and emotionally detached and I loved it.

So, here you go.

1.  Even though we dated for a while, I think maybe you just haven’t realized that you might actually like men more than women.

2.  Even though we dated for a while, I’m so glad you realized that you like men more than women (although neither of us knew this at the time).  Your happiness with him today makes me very happy for both of you.

3.   You?  Telling me to be ashamed of myself?  That’s a laugh.

4.   I will always consider you my friend but I think you’ve been a pretty shitty one to me for a while now.

5.  Your husband’s a jerk.  He’s lucky to have you.

6.  Your husband’s a sweetheart.  You’re lucky to have him.

7.  WAKE UP!  YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE (pick one:  in the grocery store / on the road / with kids / in the universe)!

8.  You were an excellent role model.  And a wonderful grandfather.   And, we would miss you so much, and so often, if you suddenly weren’t here anymore.

9.  I’m afraid of losing you someday, too.

10.  Money can’t buy you class.  (Oh wait…someone else said that, didn’t they?)


Thank you, Countess.

Ah, yes.  And, it all comes back to reality tv.

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When Reality Bites

I’ve confessed before that I have a little reality tv addiction.  At any given moment our TiVo is stocked with:

  • Real Housewives (currently of New Jersey)
  • Survivor
  • Bachelor or Bachelorette
  • Deadliest Catch
  • Anything with a Kardashian in it
  • The Real World (currently New Orleans)
  • American Idol

But, I think I reached an all time low with Bachelor Pad.   And, just in case my humiliation in just knowing I was slinking away during my kids naps to indulge in this ridiculous smut wasn’t enough, the producers of this nonsense had to really rub it in my face yesterday.   Ready?

SCENE:

The remaining bachelors and bachelorettes have been asked to secretly write down their answers to some potentially explosive questions about others in the house.   Then, the show host gathers them together, asks the questions out loud and has them publically reveal not necessarily their own answers but, instead, the answer that they feel was most common within the house.  Get it right, get a point.  Simple.

Drum roll, please.

Question: Who’s the most shallow?

Let me tell you about Elizabeth.  Elizabeth is the sneakiest, cockiest beeyatch in the house.  She’s managed to shag (I mean, snag) the hottest hottopotamus in the place (named Kovacs) who’s, not coincidentally, dumb as a rake handle.

Answer: Elizabeth

Elizabeth (in interview taped off-set):  Shallow? Shrugs.  I don’t know.  I really don’t consider myself a shallow person. (pause) I mean, (shrugs) I don’t even really know what shallow means.

She rolled with it, though.  Not really all that upset about it being told she lacks depth.  Shocking.

Question: Who’s the dumbest?

Ahhh, Natalie.  Natalie, Natalie, Natalie.  What to do with Natalie.  Natalie’s that silly, flirty, cute girl.  You know.  A popular, bubbly young thing with plenty of girlfriends but probably more guy friends.  The one who, after a few drinks, might blur the lines of friendship with the guys and then somehow can’t understand why she doesn’t have a serious boyfriend.  The one with some growing up to do.

(I’m somewhat familiar with this type.)

Anyway.  When asked who’s the dumbest, Natalie answers….Natalie! As do many others.  Thrilled (woot! woot!) Natalie prematurely celebrates that she got the answer right.  Host Chris Harrison (ever the pot-stirrer) reminds her that he hasn’t actually said that she was the correct answer.

Answer:  Krisily (irrelevant character for the sake of this reap and irrelevant character overall)

Natalie’s bummed.  Not only did she just call herself a bimbo but she also didn’t score the point.  Damn.  She really wanted that one.

Numbskull.

Question: Who has the worst boob job?

I laughed out loud at this question.  You should have seen the guys sitting there looking like they were solving complex equations as they sized up the mammories across the pool deck.  And the girls all sat there, proud as peacocks in their low-cut v-neck t-shirts.   Boob jobs courtesy of ABC.   “I may not have married Andrew Firestone but look at my new girls!”

And, I assure you not ONE of them thought the guys would name them as owner of the worst work.

Answer: Elizabeth

Cut to ten minutes later when Elizabeth has locked herself in what appears to be a shoe closet.   Crying her eyes out.  NOT because 100% of the house called her shallow.  P-shaw.  No, no.  They don’t like my boobs?!?!   Mwahhh, mwahhhh, mwaahhhh!  I’m so embarrassed. Good god, woman.  Lucky for her, hotty hottalotapus joined her in said shoe closet.  A few comforting words about how beautiful her boobs are to HIM and lo and behold…all better.

“What happened in that closet really brought us together.” — Elizabeth

Whatever.  Whack-job.

Question: Who will always be a bridesmaid and never a bride?

Answer: Natalie (obvi)

Which, predictably, resulted in cascades of tears from poor little Natalie.

I don’t get it, Natalie.

You were fine with the possibility of being named the biggest moron in the house.  Excited, in fact.  But, now, you’re a complete disaster when told you might not get the 7 Karat diamond you’ve been praying for?   That you might not snag a man?

The injustice.  How cruel.

These people.  I swear.  I think they are — with every rose, every kiss, every fantasy suite — slowly contributing to the downfall of our society.  Tearing away at strides made in equal rights for women.   Building back that glass ceiling one tile at a time.   Melting our collective minds with every tick of their off-the-charts Neilson ratings.

I should stop watching.   Really.

But, did you hear that they’re coming out with a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

And, Audrina’s on Dancing with the Stars?

And, Josh and Jake might co-captain the Cornelia Marie? (Rest In Peace, Cap’n Phil)

Yeah.  I should stop.

And, this guy should probably stop running.

Naaaaah.

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I’m not one of those Moms that counts the days until school starts again. I love summer. I love everything about it. I love beach days and sandy toes. I love summer corn and tomatoes and the relegation of Husband to the grill at nearly every dinnertime. I love slathering my children in sunblock and watching the gradual progression of their skin to a golden brown and their hair a golden blonde. I love flip-flops and pedicures people can actually see. Despite my unmatched modesty when it comes to my body, I love short sleeves (aside: hate when people say they’re in “shirt sleeves”) and cute summer skirts and colorful beach cover-ups.  I love open windows and ceiling fans and blooming hydrangea.  I don’t even complain (much) when it’s 90 degrees and humid and there’s sweat dripping down my back.  Because once summer’s gone, there’s fall.  And fall is a perfectly wonderful time of year (especially in New England) except for people like me.  Because I manage to ruin fall by spending most of it dreading the fact that winter (g-damn winter) is next.  And winter sucks.

Yesterday, Husband and I packed up the boys bright and early and headed north to Crane Beach in Ipswich.

Despite the fact that we live in a town littered with beaches, it seemed a fitting trip to round out our summer.   We arrived by 9 am (1/2 hour past low tide) and were awed by the expanse of Crane Beach (I hadn’t been since high school).   There were tide pools and piping plovers and no more  than 100 others on the beach (although it was mobbed by the time we left).  Husband, who can’t sit still on the beach for more than 5 minutes at a time, dropped the gear and then took off with the kids to explore and build and romp and splash and left me alone.  With my beach chair.  And my Kindle.  And my happy, happy self.

Ah.  Summer.

On the way home we stopped at a local farm stand where I picked up some fresh basil (the best), mozzarella and heirloom tomatoes so ripe and red that I wanted to bite into them on the spot.   I dug through piles of local corn for three perfect ears and snagged two crisp apples for the boys in hopes that munching and crunching would stave off the sleep that tugged at their sandy, sun-soaked selves.

Summer.

Next week, school begins.  Big Brother heads off to Kindergarten, which is simply not possible.  Little Brother will go to pre-school three mornings a week leaving Mom alone to…to what?

Miss them.

Fill out countless back-to-school forms.

Hit the treadmill.

Consider my next move.

Wish it was summer all over again.

———-

p.s.  I’m running in a 5K in two weeks.  Which is sort of laughable but whatever.  I’m doing it.   I have every confidence that I’ll finish.  I’m just hoping that when the standings come out in our local papers that my name doesn’t show up dead last.  Which is entirely possible in this land of skinny-mini’s…and me.   Wish me luck.  I will, no doubt, need it.

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Beaks and Balloons

I get nauseous just thinking about a ride in this glass-bottom hot air balloon.

__________

Ducky dog masks make it all better, though.

__________

Happy Weekend, Everyone.

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A couple of days ago I read something that said “Try as hard as possible not to lose it with your kids. You’re all they have in the world.”

And, it really shook me. I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m all they have in the world.

Jesus.

Because sometimes I hear this crazy woman yelling (like, full on YELLING) at her children for something so ridiculous. And, she’s me. But, it’s been 900 times that I’ve calmly mentioned the ridiculous little thing.  Please stop doing that.   Stop doing that.  I mean it, stop doing that now.

And, so the 901st time? I lose it a little.  More than a little.  And I yell.   And, I’m a pretty good yeller.

I’m all they have in the world.

Will they hear that banshee shriek over and over in their little brains, seemingly on replay like a mistreated DVD?   Will they remember that yell and think that their mother (for even that one instant), might not have loved them with every fiber of her being? That I wouldn’t lie down in traffic for them?  That they aren’t simply everything (everything.) to me?

Or, will they remember the snuggly Mom? The “tuck me into bed” Mom?  The one who can’t resist pulling them to me for a kiss and a hug as they stroll past me in the kitchen? Do they replay that Mom in their heads? The smiling, adoring me?

Or, the other one.

Lord, I hope it’s the “good” me. They deserve that me.

*sigh*

Parenting is so freakin’ hard.

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I love this so much (and my kids love it more) that I thought it worthy of a blog of its own.

Enjoy.

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