A couple of days ago I read something that said “Try as hard as possible not to lose it with your kids. You’re all they have in the world.”
And, it really shook me. I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m all they have in the world.
Jesus.
Because sometimes I hear this crazy woman yelling (like, full on YELLING) at her children for something so ridiculous. And, she’s me. But, it’s been 900 times that I’ve calmly mentioned the ridiculous little thing. Please stop doing that. Stop doing that. I mean it, stop doing that now.
And, so the 901st time? I lose it a little. More than a little. And I yell. And, I’m a pretty good yeller.
I’m all they have in the world.
Will they hear that banshee shriek over and over in their little brains, seemingly on replay like a mistreated DVD? Will they remember that yell and think that their mother (for even that one instant), might not have loved them with every fiber of her being? That I wouldn’t lie down in traffic for them? That they aren’t simply everything (everything.) to me?
Or, will they remember the snuggly Mom? The “tuck me into bed” Mom? The one who can’t resist pulling them to me for a kiss and a hug as they stroll past me in the kitchen? Do they replay that Mom in their heads? The smiling, adoring me?
Or, the other one.
Lord, I hope it’s the “good” me. They deserve that me.
Parenting is so freakin’ hard.
Confessions of a Serial Swooper 
So every parent loses their shit and feels like a horse’s ass about it. Including our parents….so, what do you remember from your childhood?
Above all I want to be honest with my kids. Like, wholly honest (which is why I have a hard time with santa but that’s another story). So, if they see me get mad or annoyed, well then, they know I am human with emotions just like theirs.
Don’t get me wrong….I don’t like myself when I snap at Margot because she is FREAKING OUT over the fact that seven pairs of footie jammies won’t fit in her elmo backpack. I guess I am giving us both (unsolicited) advice: we’re all they’ve got in the world. Isn’t it wonderful that we are real and honest? That we are self-reflective and strive to be better? Yes. I think yes.
Thank you for this because I too will now be actively looking at my words and actions much more carefully over the next few days and hopefully months to come. I’m sure we all lose it from time to time, but it’s what we do with it after that happens that truly matters. I can only strive to be better than my parents and hopefully explain why I lose it and by not just telling, but showing my son how much I love him and that we all make mistakes sometimes. Thank goodness they are so resilient and I believe know that we are trying our best.
This is the theme of the week in blogland!
I think my kids will remember me as a human. I yell, I cuddle, I have panic attacks, I’m human. At least that’s what I tell myself 😉
Wow, what a wake-up call.
And just remember: bad mothers never worry if they’re bad mothers. They’re too busy giving their babies bottles of Dr Pepper.
“Bad mothers never worry if they’re bad mothers.” I love that. Thanks, Wendi.
And now I’ve got “wouldncha liketa be a Pepper, too” stuck in my head so also, NO THANKS for that.
At first I read that and thought, “Ouch!” I lose it all the time. Over stupid shit. My kids are scarred for life. I knew it!
But, I have to ask where did you read it? What else did they say? Sounds like someone is out to make us feel guilty. I have enough of that on my own so I’m going with Wendi’s advice…
“bad mothers never worry if they’re bad mothers.”
I’m getting that on a bumper sticker.