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Posts Tagged ‘current events’

60 Days

It’s been 60 days.

Sixty days.

Sixty days.

Sixty days.

Sixty Days.

Enough.

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Hey, ladies?  Ever been at a sporting event or concert or some other large event, run out to quickly use the facilities and been stuck in a seemingly endless line of cross-legged women waiting for their turn in the stalls?

Finally you emerge, happily relieved, but return to your seat only to learn that, while you were waiting in line, your Husband not only breezed through the men’s room but also bought himself a Miller Lite, ate a hot dog, checked on the sitter and witnessed the greatest touchdown run in team history?

Yeah?  Well, fear not, my female brethren.  Apparently, some Einsteins out there believe they have a solution to excessive ladies room lines.   Are you ready?

Introducing…the female urinal.

Having a little trouble picturing it?  Well, let me help you out with that.

You’re welcome.

Ew.  Just ew.  On so many levels.

Ew.

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Are you ready?

I’m the one with the solution to the Gulf Oil Crisis.  Not BP.   Not Kevin Costner.  Right here.  Me.

Did you know they’ve put out an all points bulletin for pet hair?  Because pet hair is crazy absorbent when it comes to oils.

Well, Petco can just settle right the heck down.  Because I’m sending this guy.

Well.  Once he wakes up, I mean.

Because Bernie, aka Lazy Labrador, aka the Under-Retriever, is top dog when it comes to shedding.  He’s the BEST.

I promise you, BP, this is all you need.  One giant dog brush (I suggest the FURminator), a leash of some sort and downwind water access.  He could go all day.  And twice on Sunday.

Oh, but one little thing.  Don’t set him up too close to the shoreline because…well…he’s afraid of water.   Yup.  That’s our lab.

We’ll miss you, Bern.

Now, go save the world.

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Turns out mosquitos, Homer Simpson and frat-boys have something in common.  They all love beer.

A recent study showed that mosquitos are attracted to the smell of beer and prefer to bite victims who have been drinking.

Fortunately, drinking copious amounts of beer also makes you care a lot less about getting bitten so it’s sort of a wash.

No?

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