Confessions of a Serial Swooper

I’ve confessed before that I have a little reality tv addiction.  At any given moment our TiVo is stocked with:

• Real Housewives (currently of New Jersey)
• Survivor
• Bachelor or Bachelorette
• Deadliest Catch
• Anything with a Kardashian in it
• The Real World (currently New Orleans)
• American Idol

But, I think I reached an all time low with Bachelor Pad.   And, just in case my humiliation in just knowing I was slinking away during my kids naps to indulge in this ridiculous smut wasn’t enough, the producers of this nonsense had to really rub it in my face yesterday.   Ready?

SCENE:

The remaining bachelors and bachelorettes have been asked to secretly write down their answers to some potentially explosive questions about others in the house.   Then, the show host gathers them together, asks the questions out loud and has them publically reveal not necessarily their own answers but, instead, the answer that they feel was most common within the house.  Get it right, get a point.  Simple.

Drum roll, please.

Question: Who’s the most shallow?

Let me tell you about Elizabeth.  Elizabeth is the sneakiest, cockiest beeyatch in the house.  She’s managed to shag (I mean, snag) the hottest hottopotamus in the place (named Kovacs) who’s, not coincidentally, dumb as a rake handle.

Answer: Elizabeth

Elizabeth (in interview taped off-set):  Shallow? Shrugs.  I don’t know.  I really don’t consider myself a shallow person. (pause) I mean, (shrugs) I don’t even really know what shallow means.

She rolled with it, though.  Not really all that upset about it being told she lacks depth.  Shocking.

Question: Who’s the dumbest?

Ahhh, Natalie.  Natalie, Natalie, Natalie.  What to do with Natalie.  Natalie’s that silly, flirty, cute girl.  You know.  A popular, bubbly young thing with plenty of girlfriends but probably more guy friends.  The one who, after a few drinks, might blur the lines of friendship with the guys and then somehow can’t understand why she doesn’t have a serious boyfriend.  The one with some growing up to do.

(I’m somewhat familiar with this type.)

Anyway.  When asked who’s the dumbest, Natalie answers….Natalie! As do many others.  Thrilled (woot! woot!) Natalie prematurely celebrates that she got the answer right.  Host Chris Harrison (ever the pot-stirrer) reminds her that he hasn’t actually said that she was the correct answer.

Answer:  Krisily (irrelevant character for the sake of this reap and irrelevant character overall)

Natalie’s bummed.  Not only did she just call herself a bimbo but she also didn’t score the point.  Damn.  She really wanted that one.

Numbskull.

Question: Who has the worst boob job?

I laughed out loud at this question.  You should have seen the guys sitting there looking like they were solving complex equations as they sized up the mammories across the pool deck.  And the girls all sat there, proud as peacocks in their low-cut v-neck t-shirts.   Boob jobs courtesy of ABC.   “I may not have married Andrew Firestone but look at my new girls!”

And, I assure you not ONE of them thought the guys would name them as owner of the worst work.

Answer: Elizabeth

Cut to ten minutes later when Elizabeth has locked herself in what appears to be a shoe closet.   Crying her eyes out.  NOT because 100% of the house called her shallow.  P-shaw.  No, no.  They don’t like my boobs?!?!   Mwahhh, mwahhhh, mwaahhhh!  I’m so embarrassed. Good god, woman.  Lucky for her, hotty hottalotapus joined her in said shoe closet.  A few comforting words about how beautiful her boobs are to HIM and lo and behold…all better.

“What happened in that closet really brought us together.” — Elizabeth

Whatever.  Whack-job.

Question: Who will always be a bridesmaid and never a bride?

Answer: Natalie (obvi)

Which, predictably, resulted in cascades of tears from poor little Natalie.

I don’t get it, Natalie.

You were fine with the possibility of being named the biggest moron in the house.  Excited, in fact.  But, now, you’re a complete disaster when told you might not get the 7 Karat diamond you’ve been praying for?   That you might not snag a man?

The injustice.  How cruel.

These people.  I swear.  I think they are — with every rose, every kiss, every fantasy suite — slowly contributing to the downfall of our society.  Tearing away at strides made in equal rights for women.   Building back that glass ceiling one tile at a time.   Melting our collective minds with every tick of their off-the-charts Neilson ratings.

I should stop watching.   Really.

But, did you hear that they’re coming out with a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

And, Audrina’s on Dancing with the Stars?

And, Josh and Jake might co-captain the Cornelia Marie? (Rest In Peace, Cap’n Phil)

Yeah.  I should stop.

And, this guy should probably stop running.

Naaaaah.