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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

There are a few things I believe one should discuss with their betrothed before walking down the aisle. These include the more obvious concepts such as:

1) Do you want children?
2) Where do you prefer to live?
3) How is your relationship with your parents?
4) What’s your sexual history?
I’d like to add one to the list.
5) What color are your Christmas lights?
You see, I grew up in a beautiful little town in Norman Rockwell-ian Vermont. If colored lights existed at all they hung in unseen locations but not, under any circumstances, on the fronts of the white clapboard houses with black shutters that circled the charming town green. The owner of our local general store took photos of the townspeople and hung our pictures on the trees he lovingly placed on the porch of his store.  Tress that twinkled with…of course…little, white lights.
When Husband and I first moved to Marblehead together in 2001, into a very small apartment in Old Town, we had no kids and no plans to spend Christmas in our tiny new home. But, I wanted a tree and, cute boyfriend that he was, Husband went out to the local Boy Scouts stand while I was at a work event and he picked out an adorable little Charlie Brown tree, bought some lights and ornaments and decorated it on his own.
It was a wonderful gesture and I will never forget how loved and happy it made me feel to walk in and see what he had done for me. I loved it. And, I may have cried. I may have even known then and there, for the first time, that he was my future husband.
But, the lights weren’t white. They were colored. And (*gasp*) BIG.
Of course, I’d seen his family’s trees before and he mine. But, in the light of your own living room, it’s just…different.
I wanted my little white lights. He wanted his big colored bulbs.
So, in the interest of marital accord, we compromised the next and all Christmas seasons since. Our tree is annually decorated with small colored lights.  And, it’s lovely.
But as far as outdoor decoration, I insist on white lights out front, showing my deep-seeded snobbery. (What would the neighbors think?)  And in the back, Husband strings giant colored bulbs along the back deck, which the kids love.
And you know what makes me laugh about it all?  It came to me the other night. Our house, in the magical Christmas time of year, transforms into the home decor equivalent of a mullet.
Nice.

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A couple days ago, Big Brother and I are in the car on a special “Mom & me” outing. I love these time and so does he. Just time spent away from the rugrat brother, with my undivided attention.

From the backseat of the car, he surprised me with this one:
“Hey, Mom?” As I’ve said before, he always waits for me to reply no matter what our proximity to each other.
“Yes?”
“How come you don’t love Daddy as much as you used to?”
What? Did he really just say that? I must have it wrong.

“What was that you just asked, sweetie?”
“You and Daddy? Why don’t you love each other like you did when you had me and Little Brother?”
What in the world?
“But, we do, honey. We love each other as much as we always have. Why would you think that?”
“Well, you told me that babies come from when two people love each other very much…”
“Yes.”
“And, then, you also told me that you and Daddy are done having babies.”
“Uh…huh.”
“So, you must not love each other very much anymore. Right?”
Logical little sucker, isn’t he?

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About nine years ago, I was a little nervous to meet an old friend of my then-boyfriend (now-husband) who I had heard a lot about. Fun stories mostly, nothing really intimidating, but he was really the last of Husbands’ close friends that I hadn’t met and I wanted to make a good impression. We were meeting up (with others) at a bar in Fanueil Hall and while I could get myself there today, I have no clue what its name might be.

Anyway, long story short, he gave me the thumbs up. But not because I was good to Husband (then Boyfriend) or because I came from a good family. He approved of me because I could sing (and did sing) every word to “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by the Charlie Daniels Band. With that on my resume, he figured I was cool enough to hang with his buddy.
I love that song. Love it. L-o-v-e it. Preferably played very loudly.
And there have been many and various knock-offs of this classic that have all, in my opinion, fallen flat. Nothing even entered the CDB stratosphere.
Last night I watched the CMA Awards for about 15 minutes. And, to be honest, I watched them because I was bossily not going to let Husband watch another minute of Fox News in my presence. So, I pretended that I really wanted to watch the Country Music Awards when, frankly, I could care less about them.
But during those 15 minutes we were introduced to the Zac Brown Band. And we witnessed this. Then we rewound and rewatched. Again. And then again. Three times. And, now twice this morning. Just makes me smile. Awesome.

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On Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I’m solo. Both boys are at pre-school and it’s truly a great time to schedule all the stuff that’s just easier to do without kids. You know…grocery shopping, maybe a pedicure, my own doctor appointments, cleaning the house, folding laundry. So, today I went to Target after drop-off. Wandered around, found what I needed (and, as usual, also found more than I needed), then stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee on my way home. Came home, unloaded the car, called my friend S., answered email, looked at Facebook, installed a couple booster seats at the kitchen table and then, while replacing washcloths in the boys’ bathroom, it happened.

I looked in the mirror.
And, I had a raisin in my hair. Right over my right ear. And it had undoubtedly been with me since I carried Little Brother into school.
WTF? I actually carried this freakin’ raisin around in my hair for the last two and a half hours?! In public?

Which made me contemplate the fact that, at some point in my married / Mommy life, I pretty much stopped looking in the mirror. I mean, of course, I look in the mirror when I need to. Brushing my teeth, drying my hair, etc. But, other than that? Nah. Not so much.
We were given a beautiful tiled mirror as a wedding gift that was generously purchased by my boss from a store in Marblehead that I covet called Comina. I can’t even let myself go in for fear I’ll spend $100 on a napkin ring. And when we received it, it seriously may have been my very favorite wedding gift. Finally unpacking all our pictures the other night (we moved in July but whatever), Husband noticed the mirror was missing.
Me: Oh, yeah, we have that. I unpacked it a few weeks ago.
Husband: So, where is it?
Me: It’s on the floor of my closet.
And, I think I probably stopped looking in mirrors somewhere around the time that I decided my go-to sleepwear was the set of polka dot pajamas I bought at the local Big Y Supermarket.
Poor Husband.

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One of our carpenters showed up yesterday in a pink Vineyard Vines polo shirt. Young guy, cute smile. Hmmmmm.
Welp, time to go make chicken nuggets, change a poopy diaper and, maybe even, actually find time to wash my hair. Ah, reality.

(photo is courtesy of Vineyard Vines website and NOT stealthy, stalker photography by me)

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I’ve spent the last four and a half years on a whirlwind tour of New England residency. Left Marblehead (and a full time job as an event planner at a big corporation) in July of 2005 for Vermont. “Threw it all away” with my husband and new baby in favor of “the country life.” And we did it to the letter — I even managed a small inn that was the epicenter of the quintessential New England town where I grew up. Across from the general store, down the Village Green from the post office. My husband left a successful Cleaning Services sales job in favor of insurance sales for a small agency owned by a close family friend. We loved it. Our son (then 6 months old) thrived. He spent two days a week at daycare, two days a week with my mother and since I worked Tues – Saturday he spent one day just with Mom, one day just with Dad and Sundays were VT-freakin’ perfect. Wide open spaces, pig roasts, a commute past more cows than cars. We loved it there. We also struggled to make ends meet although we both held “real jobs” full-time. We struggled to find our place between the extreme haves (multi-millionaire 2nd home trust fund beneficiaries) and the extreme have-nots who, really, are what I believe make Vermont such a fabulously special little state.

After two years of making mortgage payments but neglecting any savings whatsoever and, therefore, NOT having the second child we both wanted….we bailed.  Husband got a flattering job offer in Manhattan — back in Cleaning Services sales where he would undoubtedly flourish. And flourish enough that I could be a stay at home Mom and we could have that baby. We moved to Connecticut. You know the rest. Had the second baby and all was good. However, the CT to Times Square commute was somewhat rough but he did it chin up. Pregnant when we arrived and then a shut in with a late October baby for 6 months after that, I struggled to make friends. Finally signed up to be a room parent at my older son’s pre-school and slowly (like about 18 months slowly) began to find my place. A few new girlfriends that could make me laugh (still not like my best girlfriends but I took it happily), all was ok. Sunny days.
And then…the offer. Open an office in Boston. We believe in you. Go. Was I up for it, he said? Move again? Third time in four years? Can we do it? “If you can land me right back in Marblehead. Marblehead – home to two of my bridesmaids. Home to three of the only six women I turned to when my Dad had a heart attack, when my Mom had a brain aneurysm, when I thought my unborn Little Brother had Down’s. If you can land me back with THOSE women..hell, yes. Move me again. I can do it.”

And, I’m so glad we did. Let me preface my upcoming b*tchfest with how I know it was the right move. I live in a beautiful town, with built-in friends and I am meeting more wonderful, smart, funny women each day. They (usually) have interesting husbands, happy sweet kids and I know that my life is enviable.
But, I admit, lately I wish he was home more. Working his tail off, some late nights, Blackberry buzzing when he’s home. Out the door at 5:15 am, sometimes home after Little Brother goes to bed. And, now, because he’s announced he needs to go in on Saturday all day and maybe some of Sunday (and he does need to, no doubt), I reply by saying that I will, therefore, try to go home to my parents in Vermont for the weekend. He’s hurt. “But, I’ll be around some of the time. And, I haven’t seen you and the guys all week. What about Saturday from, like, 3 pm on? And probably most of the day Sunday? You won’t really go, will you?”
But, I will. And, as I tell him, not to be spiteful or mean or insensitive to the fact that he’s working like a dog. But, because I simply can’t face another full day of single parenting (because let’s face it 5 am – 3 pm is a full day) and then a second day during which we rush around trying to do a errands and then the Giants are on (stop, world) until 4 pm and then it’s time for kids dinner, baths, bed, our dinner and the weekend is over. Where did this weekend differ from my week? And, it’s been a long Mommy week. So, country roads, take me home. To the place where my Mom and the ultimate “it takes a village” township will wrap my wild boys and me in their arms and ease. the. mommy. monotony.
Wah, wah, wah.
I see the other side. I do. He clearly doesn’t enjoy having to work, being away from us, bearing all the pressure as the sole bread winner. He truly likes his job but it’s a lot at the moment. And now his family, who he does it all for, is ditching him for the weekend. Sucky at best.
I’m an only child and, apparently, not very good at sharing my husband. Even if it’s sharing him with his employer – the employer who ultimately brought me back to this town, keeps my kids in their Crocs and who is the first in a long time that I think really gets that he’s good. Very good.
I’m proud of him. We’re all proud of him. But, this weekend I’m pretty sure we’ll all be proud of him from roughly 180 miles north west.

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My wonderful husband, who I adore 91% of the time, is five years younger than I am. And as we grow old (gracefully) together, it seems those years are just morphing together anyway. I mean, let’s be serious here. Once you have marriage, a house, the yellow lab and two crazy kids, you’re all just keeping pace on the same daily treadmill anyway. If you started at 25 or 30, what’s the diff?

Except when conversations like this come up that make me want to check my long-term care insurance, reach for the Exlax and call it a lifetime.
Youth: Had lunch at the Warren Tavern today.
Aged One: Cool.
Youth: You been there? (Try not to sound so surprised, R. I did actually once NOT have a small child attached to my leg.)
Aged One: (likely over zealous) Oh, yeah! The girls and I used to go there a lot when we were on the young and foolish scene.
Youth: Hmmm.
Aged: Actually, I’ll always remember the Warren Tavern ’cause I was there for the OJ chase. I remember a few of us met up for a few beers after work or something. We were all huddled around the bar watching the tv. Crazy.
Youth: …….
Aged: What?
Youth: …..
Aged: What? Where were you then?
Youth: Well…we had a week off between exams and senior prom and I was…
Oh, dear God. Let’s not try that again.

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Each night, Husband comes home from work, changes out of his suit, plays “Monster” on the bed with the boys and then the three of them settle in (on Husband’s lap) for an episode (or three, depending on the Yankees game) of pre-recorded Berenstain Bears. The singing of “Somewhere Deep In Bear Country” and the sound of my pouring a glass of chardonnay (ahhh…) are inextricably linked.

Anyway, an actual conversation tonight.

Big Brother: Daddy? (always waits for the “Yes” even if they are basically linked by skin and clearly in earshot.)
Husband: Yes, W.?
BB: Do you know who my favorite Bear is?

Now, the true answer here is “yes”. It’s Sister Bear. But, Husband isn’t much of a fan of that whole idea so the response goes as follows.

Husband: Hmmm. Let me think. Is it Papa Bear?
BB: No
H: Mama Bear?
BB: No.
H: Brother Bear?
BB: Nope.
H: Lizzy Bruin?
(I snicker quietly)
BB: No.
H: Farmer Ben?
BB: No.
H: Too Tall?
(Amazed. I’m laughing out loud now)
BB: No.
H: Grizzy Gran?
BB: No
H: Queenie?
BB: (Frustrated) DAD!!!! It’s Sister Bear!
H: Oh, Sister. Right.

I just love my husband.

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