Enter: Sexed Up Hussy Chick

May 23, 2011 by serialswooper

This is a story of two boys. Two boys from wholesome nuclear families. Two talented boys — one an actor, one a football player. Two, by all accounts, very handsome boys. Boys so often applauded for their looks that they fear they aren’t being taken seriously enough. They work and work to prove they are better than their looks. And, when each reach a pinnacle in their careers, they meet an all-America sweetheart and fall in love.

The end? Happily ever after?

Not so much.

Enter sexed-up, hussy chick.

And it all goes to hell.

_____

Boy as a Young Man.

_____

Clean Cut Cutie

_____

Boy Meets Good Girl

_____

Boy is Hugely Hot Commodity

_____

Boy Does Questionable Photo Shoot Confusing Adoring Public. Something is amiss?

_____

Enter: Sexed Up Hussy Chick. Exit: Good Girl

_____

Boy Goes with Dirty Sexy Euro Look. (ick)

Boy Goes with Dirty Sexy Euro Look. (ick.)

_____

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. But, I’m all about the golden boy. Give me Pitt in A River Runs Through It but you can have 12 Monkeys. Give me Brady on the cover of SI but I’m donating the GQ goat-lover issue to my dentist’s office.

I can’t stand that they both ditched wholesome nice girls for the dirty sexy ones. And then tried to get all dirty sexy looking themselves. ‘Cause I’m just not feelin’ it.

I’m done with Brad. Done. Sick of Angie, sick of the tattoos and the multiplying gaggle of assorted children. Over it. He’s beyond repair for me.

But, Tommy? Oh, Tommy. Is there hope for you?

Cut the hair. Please. Tell the wife to stop talking about how she’s saving the world with cloth diapers and her potty-trained 4 month old. She’s pissing us off and you’re going down with her. Ditch her.

Surprise us all and show up at training camp looking like you did when you stepped in for Bledsoe in 2001. You know…before “the boot”, and the babies and Bombshell Betty came along.

And then go win us another Superbowl. All will be forgiven.

And, just because I like you, I’ll even give you a little suggestion. Because, I’ve found someone new for you. A woman you apparently have something in common with…

Rumor has it she’s available.

You’re welcome.

Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments

10 Responses

on May 23, 2011 at 9:25 am | Reply Kimberly

Oh. Brad. I’ve been in love with him since 1988. Despite this new chapter in his life, I am still holding onto hope that someday, he will return to his hot self.

Funny post 🙂
on May 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm | Reply mamorose

Aww, come on. Give us dirty, slutty girls a chance. I mean, we already have to get them used and then only via trickery. Do you know how much plastic surgery costs? We earned our turn with them.

Although, I’ll grant you, a “potty trained” four month old is universally annoying.
on May 23, 2011 at 10:56 pm | Reply Mrs4444

omg, mamorose–Hilarious!

I’m over Brad Pitt, too. You’re gonna laugh, but I don’t know who the other guy is.haha
on May 23, 2011 at 11:30 pm | Reply kim

ahhhh….the wedding pic of Brad and Jen. Now THAT’S a royal couple. They are perfection. *sigh*
on May 24, 2011 at 8:23 am | Reply ascapecodturns

Wait! What?

I AM AVAILABLE for Tom!!! I am a good girl and will wash and cut his hair. I promise.

Brad, yeah, he’s a goner….
on May 24, 2011 at 1:05 pm | Reply Hope J

How disappointing was the pic of Tom on the waterslide (http://www.boston.com/ae/celebrity/gallery/tom_gisele/)? Really Tom – do you have to hold your hands up like a girly? You have SOOOO let me down (again)…sigh…
- on May 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm | Reply serialswooper
  
  Oh, Hope. I know. I know.
  
  (shakes head)
on May 28, 2011 at 3:18 pm | Reply Mark Petruska

Thank you for sticking up for nice guys! It’s hard for us to compete sometimes.

And personally, I’d take Jennifer over Angelina any day of the week.
on January 31, 2012 at 9:54 am | Reply Rumour Has It…(ba dum dum) « Confessions of a Serial Swooper

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on February 1, 2012 at 9:44 am | Reply Andi

You are so clever! What a fun post. Oh, and aren’t you glad Tom got his hair cut?