Confessions of a Serial Swooper

It’s midday Memorial Day and, from our bedroom as I unpack from our long weekend, I hear the distinct sound of plastic ware falling noisily to the kitchen floor.

Husband sighs audibly, clearly irritated by the hassle of plastic ware clean-up as it disrupts his masterful creation of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for Big Brother, Little Brother and himself.

Later this evening, over a glass of wine and a Smirnoff, the following was an actual conversation between beloved Husband and myself.

Husband:  Will  you PLEASE clean out the kids plastic ware cabinet?  All the random sippy cups and plates and stuff that falls out whenever we open the cabinet door?  It’s such a mess in there.  Aren’t they done with this stuff anyway?   

(He’s right, of course.  The boys rarely use sippy cups anymore unless I’m feeling particularly and irrationally OCD about possible spills on my already dog-hair filled living room carpet.  And the truth is that I love those plastic plates.  I love them for their fabulous four-segment compartmentalization.  A little area for ketchup, another for a veggie, one for a fruit, one for a main course…I mean, come on.  Organized.  And, OCD loooooves organized.)

Me:  Ok.  But, what’ll  you give me?
H:  What?  Seriously?  For cleaning out the plastic?
Me:   Yeah.  What’s it worth to you?
H:  (playing along)  Ok.  Sure.  So, what do you want?
Me:  (pause.  thinking.)  I want a back rub.  A good one.  With no expectation of sex.
H:  (answers hyper-speed quickly)  Nope.  Can’t do it.  
Me:  (laughing)  Oh, come on!
H:  No.  You’re asking too much.  Can you keep it dirty?

Men.

Me:  Oh, never mind.  I’ll just clean out the cabinet.

_____

_____

Tomorrow, being a Tuesday, not much of a loss.

Read Full Post »

I arrive home early afternoon from running a few errands.

The phone rings.

Caller ID tells me it’s Big Brother’s school.

Me:  nervously   Hello?
Nurse:  Hi this is the school nurse.  Your son has been complaining of a stomach ache today.  He came into the office early in the morning and again right now.  I think he should be dismissed.
Me:  Ok, I’ll be right there.

Fifteen or so minutes later Big Brother and I are climbing into the car outside his school.

Me:  Honey, we have about 20 or so minutes before it’s time to pick up your brother.  Is there anything you want to do or would you feel better just relaxing in the car?
BB:  (innocently)  Well…we could play mini golf?
Me:  Hmmmm….  What?  No.  We can’t go play mini golf if your stomach hurts.
BB:  Or we could do that jumping thing at the mall?
Me:   No!  We can’t go to the mall.
BB:  Silence.
Me:   Are you really sick, buddy?  Or are we playing a little hooky?
BB:    No, Mom, really.  I’m really sick.

Twenty minutes later we park to pick up Little Brother.  Just before getting out of the car, Big Brother asks…

BB:   Mom?  When we get home can I play some Wii before we go to swimming?
Me:  BB, if you’re sick you aren’t going to go to swimming today.  You can lie down and take a rest and try to feel better.
BB:  WHAT?!  But, I want to go to swimming!  Starts to cry.

Me:  You’re sick!  I’m sorry, but you just can’t go to swim lessons.

Pause…
Sniffle.  Collects himself.

BB:   Hey, Mom?
Me:   Yes?
BB:   Can I go back to school now?

_____

Read Full Post »

I posted a comment on Facebook yesterday about how I will gladly lug 18 bags of groceries in to avoid taking two trips up the stairs from the car.  A friend commented that he thought the post was blog-worthy.  It is.  In fact, it already was.  Here’s a repost on a blog from December 2009.

_____

1. There is great need for Sarcasm font.

2. I can’t remember the last time that I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

3. Bad decisions often make really good stories.

4. Seriously, how the hell am I supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than have to take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

8. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

9. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent some jerk from cutting in up at the front. Stay strong, my friends!

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever technology comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

12. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond when you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

15. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers. But, no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

16. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

17. I think it should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

18. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

_____

Read Full Post »

This is a story of two boys.  Two boys from wholesome nuclear families.  Two talented boys — one an actor, one a football player.   Two, by all accounts, very handsome boys.  Boys so often applauded for their looks that they fear they aren’t being taken seriously enough.   They work and work to prove they are better than their looks.   And, when each reach a pinnacle in their careers, they meet an all-America sweetheart and fall in love.

The end?  Happily ever after?

Not so much.

Enter sexed-up, hussy chick.

And it all goes to hell.

_____

Boy as a Young Man.

Boy as a Young Man.

_____

Clean Cut Cutie

Clean Cut Cutie

_____

Boy Meets Good Girl

Boy Meets Good Girl

_____

Boy is Hugely Hot Commodity

Boy is Hugely Hot Commodity

_____

Boy Does Questionable Photo Shoot Confusing Adoring Public.  Something is amiss?

Boy Does Questionable Photo Shoot Confusing Adoring Public.  Something is amiss?

_____

Enter:  Sexed Up Hussy Chick.  Exit:  Good Girl

Enter:  Sexed Up Hussy Chick.  Exit:  Good Girl

_____

Boy Goes with Dirty Sexy Euro Look.  (ick)

Boy Goes with Dirty Sexy Euro Look.   (ick.)

_____

 I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just me.  But, I’m all about the golden boy.  Give me Pitt in A River Runs Through It but you can have 12 Monkeys.  Give me Brady on the cover of SI but I’m donating the GQ goat-lover issue to my dentist’s office.

I can’t stand that they both ditched wholesome nice girls for the dirty sexy ones.  And then tried to get all dirty sexy looking themselves.  ‘Cause I’m just not feelin’ it.

I’m done with Brad.  Done.   Sick of Angie, sick of the tattoos and the multiplying gaggle of assorted children.  Over it.  He’s beyond repair for me.

But, Tommy?  Oh, Tommy.  Is there hope for you?

Cut the hair.  Please.  Tell the wife to stop talking about how she’s saving the world with cloth diapers and her potty-trained 4 month old.  She’s pissing us off and you’re going down with her.   Ditch her.

Surprise us all and show up at training camp looking like you did when you stepped in for Bledsoe in 2001.  You know…before “the boot”, and the babies and Bombshell Betty came along.

And then go win us another Superbowl.  All will be forgiven.

And, just because I like you, I’ll even give you a little suggestion.  Because, I’ve found someone new for you.  A woman you apparently have something in common with…

Rumor has it she’s available.

You’re welcome.

Read Full Post »

At the fields for my six-year old’s baseball clinic this morning, my three-year old decided to drop his pants.   And then he promptly took a leak in a puddle.

I spotted him from a few fields over.

And there I was.  Running across the field towards him, seemingly in slow motion.

“No!……..No, no!……..Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!”

_____

_____

There were somewhere between 2 and 3 HUNDRED people around at the time.

All locals.

People who, if they don’t know me already, sure as heck know me now.

Yup.  ‘Cause I’m the one whose son took a piss in the puddle.

Awesome.

Read Full Post »

I’ll admit to being more than a little obsessed with Angry Birds.  I’ve got three versions on my iPhone right now (Original, Seasons and Rio) and I get seriously psyched when I check my apps and find there are a few new precious updates available to me!  Woot Woot!

And then, I may or may not drop everything until I get at least two stars on all the levels.

Stop judging.

God bless Rovio, the inventors of those crazy birds.

In thanks, I’ve decided to provide them a little idea.  It’s fun, it’s exciting and (best of all) in keeping with current events.

May I present…Angry Maria.

And this bird is pissed.

Maria is backed up by bonus birds in the forms of Sargent Shriver, Gloria Allred and Oprah.   When you tap the screen, she splits into approximately 173 members of the Kennedy clan.  If you take out the maid, you get 500 points.  If you take out Arnold you get about 7 million a year plus child support.

You’re welcome, Rovio.

Read Full Post »

_____

So, this happened to me today.

My post about my iPhone addiction (click here for the link) was featured on WordPress’ cover page and the hits went off the charts.  My blog hasn’t seen that much action since well over a year ago when I discussed good ole’ Robert Knecht Schmidt (Jeopardy! contestant extraordinaire).  Turns out Robert K.S. Googled himself, found my blog, commented on it and posted it to his personal Facebook page.  Suddenly, I was a big hit in Central Ohio.  Well, for about ten minutes.  Then, I completely freaked out and pulled the post (you can read it here now) because, back then, I was still posting pictures of my kids and using our real names.

Anyway, I guess “Freshly Pressed” on WordPress is a pretty popular thing and I want to say thank you to the many, many, many bloggers out there who are clearly more tuned-in than I and who sent along a hearty congratulations to me for getting the nod from WordPress.  Hope you’ll all keep reading.

So, yeah.  That was big.

Oh, and someone else found me on the very same day when they searched Google with the term “banana boobs”.

See?

Search Term         Views

serial swooper      1
serialswooper       1
banana boobs       1
Total views referred by search engines  3

And, that’s almost more awesome.

_____

On another note, I’m pretty sure there’s something very dangerous going on in my boys’ bathroom.  It might just be a black hole.  Or maybe a time warp.  ‘Cause I’m telling you, my friends, my kids go in there and something happens to their little minds.  They will spend no less than 15 minutes sometime and emerge with slightly dazed looks.

Me:  Everything ok?

Yeah.

Did you remember to flush?

Oh.  Um, no.

Did you wash your hands?

Um.

Did you WIPE?!?

Seriously?!  I mean, really, child.

What in the world goes on in there?

_____

Did you hear about bin Laden’s porn collection?  Apparently, the world’s most dangerous man kept a porn collection that would make Larry Flynt proud.  At first, this confused me.  I mean, how many wives did he have??  Like, 12 or something?  And still he wasn’t getting enough action?  Hm.

Maybe he just kept getting married hoping the next wife would be as frisky post-marriage as she was pre-.

Guess not.

So, apparently Middle Eastern wives aren’t a whole lot different than American ones.

_____

Big Brother came up from our basement playroom last night and announced that the Wii had stopped working.

I’m pretty sure it died of exhaustion.

_____

Read Full Post »