Confessions of a Serial Swooper

…will absolutely not, under any circumstances, watch where I am going.  I will, instead, walk backwards, walk in zig-zagged lines and look down no matter what direction I am ultimately headed.  And, I will choose to do so at the least opportune times including but not limited to grocery stores, busy sidewalks and rooms littered with toys.

…will fall down.  Often.  (See item one.)

…know a lot more than you do.  About everything.  Because, while you are thirty-three years older than I, it’s clear that you are actually TOO OLD to understand anything.  You just don’t know.  Face it.  I do know.  I know I need to keep track of my mittens (they jump out of my backpack.  Every day.)  I know I need to hang up my coat (there’s some crazy gravity in our house that sucks it to the floor.  Every day.) and I know I need to be nice to my little brother (But, I didn’t do it.  Ever.)  So, stop reminding me.  It’s annoying.

…have very little to say to you.   Yes, I know I just spent 7 hours at school but I don’t remember anything about what I did there.   Yes, I had art but I didn’t make anything.  I had gym but I didn’t play anything.  And, I had lunch that you packed me but I don’t remember if I liked it or not.  Maybe, I just don’t want to discuss it.  Either way, I’ll definitely want to tell you all about it right when you turn the light out at my bedtime.  How’s that work for you?

…will use the following words as often as possible:  fart, pee, poop, kill, stinky, shoot, toilet and butt.  I will especially enjoy saying them at the dinner table.  When you tell me to stop being such a potty mouth, I will laugh hysterically because you just said “potty”.

…and speaking of the potty.  I will, while relieving myself, be sure to look in every direction but down at my you-know-what.  It’s just more fun looking up or looking sideways, preferably while reaching for something on the counter or playing with the window shade.  I will also forget to raise the toilet seat more often than not.  It’s more of a challenge that way.  You’re welcome.

…load my pockets with as much stuff as I can gather as often as possible.  Items including but not limited to rocks, shells, small toys, tissues, pennies and other small items.  I will also be sure to put my clothes immediately in my laundry basket when I undress without emptying the pockets.  Because you told me to put my clothes in the laundry hamper.  You’re welcome.  Again.

…know that it will baffle you when my teachers report that I am a very well-behaved, respectful boy with excellent listening skills.  I will make you wonder if they are, in fact, confusing me with another child in class.

And, I will laugh inside because I  know, dear Mommy, that I’ve got you right where I want you.