What a day.
I was up a little late last night so decided I’d sleep in a little. When I got out of my bed (with its freshly laundered sheets), I decided not to put on today’s clothes, which had been selected and displayed neatly for me before I fell asleep. Instead, since I was a little hungry, I chose to wake the maid and let her know I was ready for my first meal of the day. Shocked to find that she was already up, I wandered down the hall and found she’d already started work for the day despite the fact that no one else was up and making any requests. (Probably hoping for overtime. The blood sucker.)
Anyway, I demanded she stop whatever busy work she’d invented and get straight to work on my breakfast. I’m pretty sure I caught her rolling eyes but she obliged and headed to the kitchen. (Slacker.) I woke my partner to let him know breakfast was being prepared so he could weigh in on what he wanted. (We like to keep her guessing. Best to keep the help working on as many different things as possible. Prevents them from getting bored, we believe.) Sure enough, my partner demanded waffles to my cereal. (We are nothing if not consistent in our inconsistency.) The maid continued cooking until she was called to the bathroom. Partner pooped. She wiped. (We don’t pay her extra for this task, I’ll have you know. It’s part the privilege of working for us. Yeah, she knows. She’s got it good.) Breakfast time. As usual, she didn’t do it perfectly. She couldn’t seem to get her head around the fact that I actually wanted strawberry milk in my cereal. (Sigh. Sometimes…)
Next, it was time to call for the car and, since our favorite chauffeur moonlights with another job during the daytime (the nerve), the maid drove us. I had a big day ahead of me full of writing and sounding out letters and being line leader and the wench almost made me late. She did make my partner late. Apparently, she can’t drive fast enough to get from my place of business to his place of business in 2 minutes flat. (Oh, for good help…) So, then, we gave the maid three whole hours off. Completely on her own. I know she just goes back to my house and takes a nap or something. Does her nails. Who knows. Whatever it is, I don’t care as long as she gets her sorry tail back to my partner’s place of business by 12:30 SHARP, gets him a lunch, a decent nap (She claims he can really be a bear if he doesn’t get a good nap. HER problem. Not mine.) and is back at my business by 2 on the dot. No messing around.
And when I get off work I expect some entertainment. And, I don’t mean entertainment like going home and having “quiet time” (she used to get away with that trick) or coloring books or something like that. No. I expect her to put a little more effort in. A playground, an art studio, Chuck E. Cheese, bowling, a play date. Come on, woman, come up with something! You had three free hours, remember?! Entertain us. Go.
Then feed us again. Oh, and by the way, I eat nothing other than chicken nuggets, spaghettios or hotdogs. And my partner wants “real” food so if you try to give him the same dinner as you give me well then just be ready to serve him from your plate when you decide to eat. He likes your food better, anyway. It’s the least you can do.
After I’m fed and dessert has been consumed, I expect you to wash me while I whine. Oh, get over it. Whining is part of the package. It keeps you on your toes. And, then, when you think your day is nearly done and you put us to bed, expect one more little thing. Even though we really want nothing to do with you all day, dear maid, you can expect that we will be dying to see you shortly after you put us to bed. We will miss you. And cry for you. Repeatedly. Until we eventually fall asleep. And then maybe you can relax with the chauffeur. We suspect there’s something going on between the two of you, you know. You aren’t fooling anyone.
Did you have a good day, Maid Mommy? We love you. See you tomorrow.