Confessions of a Serial Swooper

1.   I really think that some doctor really needs to figure out a way for women to donate our boobage.  As in, I have too much and you have too little so here you go.  Make my D a C and make your B a C and yipppeee!   Happy, happy sharing.  We women are so cooperative.  We’d all feel better about what we’ve got and, guys, you know what happens when we women feel all sexy and stuff.  Yip.   Get on that, will you?

2.  Speaking of boobage.  Thank you very much bra-makers for the padding you insist on putting in any bra larger than a C cup.  Really?!  Padding?  Why do I need padding?  My boobs are plenty padded, thanks.  And the extra 1/4 inch of fabric is just stupid.  Thanks for that.   Jackholes.

3.  Oh, and Banana Republic.  Size 0?  F-you.

4.   Reason #273 why I’ll never wear a size 0.

As ridiculous as that pizza is…?  Yeah.  Yum.   And, yummer.

5.   I had a mammogram last week (apparently fixated on boobs at the moment.)  It was awesome.  Seriously.   Rather than go to the Salem Hospital (ugh) where I had my last one done, I decided to go to a place in Danvers.   Got the babysitter, brought my new Kindle, picked up an iced coffee.  Arrived to a lobby that looked like this:

Yeah.  That’s a koi pond.  With turtles.  And coffee and quiet music and Regis & Kelly on the tv and oh. my.  goodness.  Heaven.   And, they even made me wait!  Woot woot! I can’t wait to go back.

6.  Here’s the top five shows from our current TiVo list.

Houston?  I think we have a problem.

7.  I’m generally a pretty sunny person.  But, you know what really gets me fired up?  If you have voicemail on your cell phone and it says “Please leave me a message”?  Well, that tells me that I should leave you a message (I know.  Crazy.)  Right?  So, I do.   I will do as you ask and I will leave you a message and tell you as succinctly as possible what I am calling about so that you can hear my carefully worded message and call me back with your thoughtful reply.  Voicemail is a good invention.  It’s there for a reason.  And, remember…you told me (in your very own voice, usually) to leave you a message.  I did.  So…here’s an idea.  Listen to the message before you call me back.  ‘Cause when you see that I called, I know that you also see that I left you a voicemail.  When you call me back and ask why I called because you didn’t listen to my message, it makes me crazy.  Crazy.  Like, Puck on The Real World crazy.  Danielle on the Real Housewives of NJ crazy.  I could go on (see #6)…but you get my point.   It’s disrespectful.  My time is not less important than yours.  Listen to the message or don’t ask me to leave one.  Are we clear?  Awesome.

8.  You, too, could own this shirt for just 175 Euros.  That’s $278.

Hmmm.   If this fashion is right, I’m pretty pleased to be wrong.   Imagine matching a tie to that?

9.  On a lighter note, this ad campaign from an anti-fart medication totally cracked me up.

“Your gas entertains no one.”

Brilliant.   Makes me smile every time I look at it.

Clearly, I was in need of a little levity.  And, apparently, gas did actually entertain me.