Confessions of a Serial Swooper

1. There is great need for Sarcasm font.

2. I can’t remember the last time that I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

3. Bad decisions often make really good stories.

4. Seriously, how the hell am I supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than have to take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

8. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

9. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent some jerk from cutting in up at the front. Stay strong, my friends!

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever technology comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

12. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond when you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

15. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers. But, no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

16. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

17. I think it should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

18. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.